If The Greek Gods Left Reviews For Achilles Returns

Critics have opinions. So, allegedly, do the gods. Here’s what the cast of Greek

mythology had to say about seeing themselves on screen in “Achilles Returns” reviews entirely imagined by us, for the record, since none of them have email.

Zeus ★★★★ out of 5

“Accurate portrayal of my negotiating skills. Docked one star for making Hades look reasonable. He is not reasonable. I would know.”

Hades ★★★★★ out of 5

“Finally, a film that respects proper Underworld paperwork. Five stars. Would approve another release, pending appropriate incentives.”

Thetis ★★★ out of 5

“I personally lobbied two of the most powerful beings in existence to get my son a second chance at life and he didn’t even text after. Movie’s good though. Bring tissues.”

Artemis ★★★★ out of 5

“Independent, sharp, answers to no one. Much like me. Wish I had more screen time, but I also didn’t ask for permission to say that.”

Odysseus ★★ out of 5

“Spent the entire runtime waiting for someone to ask my opinion on strategy. Nobody did. Two stars, mostly for the cinematography. I would have had a better idea anyway.”

Hector ★★★★★ out of 5

“Finally, a role where I’m not just getting dragged around the outside of a city. Thank you. Truly. Five stars.”

The reviews are imaginary. The movie isn’t. “Achilles Returns” is available now on

Gumroad for $6.95. Watch it here.

Since these reviews were filed, the movie has also arrived on Amazon Prime. We assume the gods have Prime. The full story is over here.